The concept of quitting has come up several times in the past few months in both my online life as well as in my real life. An acquaintance of mine ended a multi-year friendship that had apparently run its course; a friend is contemplating quitting Facebook because of all the drama that sometimes goes along with it; a blogger buddy and her husband are closing their small business at the end of the year; a close friend is contemplating quitting her job because she hates it; and yet another is contemplating a divorce.
With all this talk of quitting in the air, I've spent some time recently pondering the question - When is it okay to quit?
With all this talk of quitting in the air, I've spent some time recently pondering the question - When is it okay to quit?
Before I continue, I think it's fair to mention that I was raised in a family where quitting was, 99% of the time, viewed as unacceptable. My by-the-book, high school teacher mother and football coach stepdad had a strong, yet simple belief - if you start something, you finish it. End of discussion. That was the expectation and I was expected to follow it. And I did. As a result, I suffered through several books that were miserable (because they were assigned), a year long dance class that I absolutely despised, and an uber stressful softball season that, honestly, wasn't any fun. Through those experiences and many others in which I "stuck it out," I learned commitment, endurance, and loyalty, all skills and traits that I feel have been very instrumental in my adult life.
It's probably a good time to say this - Thanks, Mom and Si...
However, despite how much I've benefitted from those lessons and despite how firmly I believe in seeing things through, I know that quitting something, be it a marriage, a friendship, a bad habit, or something as trivial as a book, is often not only necessary, but often a good thing.
Case in point - Last year, I severed ties with a childhood friend with whom I used to be very close. (I touched on this back in June.) In the two decades leading up to my walking away, our relationship had morphed from a friendship into more of an acquaintanceship. We were living different lives in different states, had different friends, and the only thing we had in common was a shared history in our little hometown back in the coalfields of West Virginia.
What remained of our relationship was strained even further during the previous seven or eight years, brought on by a string of bizarre, perplexing events that reeked of head games and brought unwelcomed drama into my life. After the final event last year, an event in which I felt as if I had been manipulated and deceived, I had finally had enough. I walked away from the friendship because it was obvious that it had run its course and, most importantly, because continuing it seemed like an open invitation for further drama and aggravation. It was obvious that the relationship was detrimental and no longer beneficial.
I will admit, however, that I still feel a teensy bit guilty about quitting the friendship, even though I don't regret my decision. I did what was necessary for my well being.
In my forty-something years, I have come to this essential belief - I don't believe in quitting easily. I believe in making the effort, giving something an honest to God shot, and finishing what you start. But, if what you are involved in or doing is no longer beneficial, is making you miserable, is detrimental to your overall well being, then quitting may be in fact not only the best option, but the only option.
I will admit, however, that I still feel a teensy bit guilty about quitting the friendship, even though I don't regret my decision. I did what was necessary for my well being.
In my forty-something years, I have come to this essential belief - I don't believe in quitting easily. I believe in making the effort, giving something an honest to God shot, and finishing what you start. But, if what you are involved in or doing is no longer beneficial, is making you miserable, is detrimental to your overall well being, then quitting may be in fact not only the best option, but the only option.
Quitting can be scary, but I firmly believe that it can open up space in your life for something better. Do I sometimes miss the friend I used to know? Absolutely. But, I enjoy the peace of mind and tranquility that has come as a result of walking away more.
What are your thoughts on quitting? Are some things okay to quit, but not others? How do you know when it's time to cut your losses and walk? Please feel free to share your thoughts. Remember, there are no right or wrong answers.
As always, thanks for stopping by! Have a great Thursday!
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#mg
You make some very valid points here. Making the decision to quit something is rarely easy although I do think the older I get some decisions get easier. One of the hardest things I've done was to quit my job early last year. I had worked in the same place for 14 years and, until a change of management, loved my job. However, it became an unpleasant place to work, stressful and detrimental to my health. It was very hard to walk away but it was definitely the right decision. I'm still stubborn when it comes to books though. I hate to give up on a book. Maybe I'll reach a stage like my late MIL who, if she was finding a book hard going, would check out the ending and if she liked that she would persever with the book, if she didn't the book got thrown out!
ReplyDelete"My football coach step-dad!" My husband used to coach college football! Nice to have that little connection in there (see!?!? That "me too!" moment is powerful!) Now, as for my thoughts on quitting. I am a FIRM BELIEVER in quitting. 100%. There are boundaries around that, sure, but I generally 100% support quitting. Obviously, depends on the situation and the kind of commitment you've made to someone--but I do think that in most circumstances it's quite alright to quit.
ReplyDeleteI was raised much like you - we did not quit in the middle of something. We saw it through to the end even when it was painful.
ReplyDeleteAnd, like you, I now don't believe in quitting easily. If I examine a situation and feel I have done what I could do and that doing more would harm me in any way, I let it go.
Except for books. I will let them go.
I associate quitting with suicide, and how society deems it wrong (and illegal) while condoning abortion.
ReplyDeleteI was raised similarly, we did not quit! I think I still view quitting in a similar light. However, if something is really having a harmful effect on my life, I would quit. I've let go of a friendship that was not the healthiest, and I think it was a positive change. But for the most part, I stick it out, just like my momma said to! :)
ReplyDeleteTotally agree. Sometimes quitting certain relationships or jobs or anything is better in the long run for your overall health. I've certainly had to let go of people in the past. Great post.
ReplyDeleteQuitting was frowned upon when I was growing up too. I wanted to quit a few different things and I was *allowed* to quit dance and softball. I despised both. But my family reminded me of this for years afterward. Most things I was not allowed to quit.
ReplyDeleteNow, sometimes I think that it can be harder for adults TO quit something than for them to just continue at the status quo. I didn't have it in me to quit a job once, even though I kind of wanted to do something else, so I was glad that the army moving us away gave me an excuse. I use our lifestyle/livelihood as an excuse a lot, I think, when it comes to persevering or quitting.
When I was in high school, around 9th/10th grade, I had a string of friends that quit the high school dance/drill team that I was on. I toyed with the idea too because I saw that my friends were going to have a lot more free time (and possibly fun) than I was. I'm happy that my mom talked me into sticking with it.
ReplyDeleteAlso, I've experienced friendships (that I assumed at one time would be lifelong friendships) come to an end, so as you discussed this, I can relate.
I think this is a thoughtful post, and I appreciate you sharing it.
I agree with what you said, Erika. Sometimes, quitting something makes space in your heart and gives you the peace of mind that is so necessary for you. I do it sometimes, although, not quitting is what I, too, learnt during my childhood. However, over time, I have learnt that it's best to let go, or quit and regain your sanity than hold on to things and put yourself under unnecessary pressure.
ReplyDeletedoing a half-assed job and/or quitting isn't in my DNA and if something isn't going right, I'll do my damn hardest to see it through/finish it.
ReplyDeleteThat said, there's much to say about letting things go. When something - especially a relationship, whether that be romantic or friendship - has turned toxic and causes more misery than happiness, I'd much rather let it go than continue with the misery...but only after you've done everything you can to try and fix it. Some things just can't be fixed so it's best to let them go.
True....quitting is not an easy thing to do, and it is definitely not something forbidden. At times, we need to move on leaving behind what stops us, pains us. To dwell in an atmosphere of negativity can only harm both the parties concerned.
ReplyDeleteI definitely things are fine to quit but maybe the word quit isn't the right thing when it is a good thing to do.
ReplyDeleteI agree there are some things you can certainly quit especially after giving it all you've got. I've just handed my resignation at my work after only starting in January this year. I tried everything but it's not working out thanks to the boss I have. So for the sake of my wellbeing, I figured I have to quit and looked for another job. Once I found one, I left.
ReplyDeleteReally interesting post Ericka, glad I read it. Ya know, sometimes nature just runs its course. Be it with a girlfriend / boyfriend, a platonic friend, or dropping FB etc. I recently had to quit my job due to health reasons (needed stents in my heart) and believe me, it was one of the toughest decision I've ever had to make. There were tears. I loved my job, loved the team, loved the product I had to sell but your health is your wealth. Turns out, my blood pressure dropped back to normal within one week of leaving, just goes to show you how negatively the stress & pressure was affecting my mind/body/soul. Nuts. For me, cutting free & 'quitting' was exactly what I needed, ever if I didn't want to accept it. The silver lining? The last 6 months, I'm a full time SAHD with my 2 girls & I'm a Daddy Blogger and I've never felt better and more at easy. BP is also great :-) Cause & Effect / Time & a Place. Great post, well written.
ReplyDeletei totally agree. i was raised pretty similarly, the only time we quit something is when it was detrimental to our well being or whatever. like my mum left my dad because staying in the relationship would have done a lot more damage. but books, teams, classes, we were always expected to give it a shot until we were able to 'quit' without repercussions - so when i wanted to try football and hated it immediately, i was told bad luck and i had to do the whole season, but i didn't have to sign up again. i definitely think that taught me about commitment and working hard when i don't love it, but it also taught me first impressions can be wrong. i hated netball when i started too, and then ended up playing for like 15 years, loving it. but yes, as an adult, i try to give things an honest to god shot, and only quit or stop something if it is making me miserable. unfortunately this does not count books because i suck at quitting those!
ReplyDeleteYou could write an entire thesis on this topic. I am definitely not a quitter. Not now, anyway. I've been fighting for my life for the last 10 years in a pretty ongoing way and it's not a battle I'm prepared to lose, especially as my kids are still young. In a general life sense, I took up the violin 4 years ago and am still at it. I've also been married for 15 years, which is pretty solid confirmation that I persevere.
ReplyDeleteWhat is interesting now, is how I'm guiding my kids. I have come to realise that around the age of 10-12 alot of these childhood activities ramp up and only the really good or passionate kids continue. It's where you're having to really start working at it and can't really on natural talent anymore. I don't think most people understand this and give up thinking they're not talented, rather than that they need to practice more. It's a real shame. So, I'm trying to work with my kids as they face this transition now. My daughter is a good dancer and was floundering this year. I knew she had it in her but she had some health problems and I was paying money for lessons she was missing and was getting so close to pulling the plug but she has a very understanding teacher and it's starting to look like she's coming out the other side. My son's football hasn't fared so well but he said he wants to take it up again next year. We'll see.
BTW another thing which is worth doing is reassessing your goals and progress each year and why you're doing these things. What are your priorities and if they've changed in what seems to be a permanent way, then quit. Move on. Life is too short. This is going to reply with my son's sign on but I'm Rowena from http://www.beyondtheflow.com
Very keen observations about the transitional time for activities and sports with kids. I do not have kids of my own, but thinking back, I remember that was the time when natural talent started to mean very little and hard work and practice paid off. Granted, natural talent and passion helps, but the desire and drive play a huge role in success.
DeleteAmen! Life is too short, isn't it? Thank you for stopping by and for sharing your thoughts.
I grew up very differently. My parents always told me that if I wanted to walk away from something I could. I actually wish they had pushed me harder, I am not sure if it was because I was the youngest of 4 that they pushed me less, or expected less of me. Funnily enough i tuned out to be the only one of us 4 to finish high school and finish university and walk away with a degree with High Distinctions. I find getting the balance is the key though. There are somethings we need to quit like toxic relationships and things that are causing us to place ourselves in dangerous situations! Then there are the things we need to keep working hard at no matter what! It really is about considering all that is involved and making the right choices that keep us safe, happy and healthy both physically and mentally. Great post! #mg
ReplyDeleteThank you!
DeleteIt's interesting hearing your perspective, especially since it is so different from my upbringing. Yes, the trick to knowing when to quit is all about balance. We have to trust in ourselves enough to know when sticking it out is the best thing and when walking away is in order. That's the interesting thing about this concept - there is no right or wrong answer.
Thank you for sharing!
I think, like with anything, there needs to be balance. I'm probably on the other end of the spectrum - prone to quit far too easily and often don't finish what I start and I've had clients who are even worse. They'll come to me with a new idea every week and finally I had to say sorry, I can't work with someone who doesn't know what they want. I think it's good to be able to quit after giving some consideration and realizing something doesn't serve you. I also think it's good to be able to see things through even if it hits a tough or boring patch when you know the end goal is still something you desire. I've let quite a few friendships go, because of distance or drama, and I've never regretted that. I also quit a grad class earlier this year and while the monetary loss stings, I don't regret that either because I didn't pay all that money to be made miserable and disagree with all the things I was being taught. I do regret some of the projects I never finished.
ReplyDeleteI agree wholeheartedly - the key is balance. Thanks for sharing.
Deletei quit swim team after my junior year in high school. i quit because i hated my coach. my events were the hundred breaststroke, the breaststroke leg of the medley relay, and the fifty and the hundred free. he made me swim the five hundred free in a meet, and i about died. and then when i got out, i screamed at him. i silenced that natatorium. it was mortifying, so much so that i'd blacked the memory. my mother reminded me of it years later. when the coach of the woodlands masters swim team, who happened to also coach our rival's high school team, learned that i was quitting, he invited me to swim with the masters team. i refused. in my head, i was burned out on the sport. but really what it was was i never got first place in any of my individual events. our relay usually won (so long as i didn't false start). i didn't think of myself as any good. i couldn't understand why that coach would want me to swim for him. so i thanked him and told him no. most times i wish i hadn't. most times i wish i'd stuck with it.
ReplyDeletebut here's the thing: my sophomore year in college, my knees started giving out on me. my acl was fucked in both of them, and my knees weren't in alignment with my hips and ankles. when i was a baby, my hips would pop out of place. that's basically what started happening in college, only it was knees. they would start to pop out of place. thank god they never succeeded. i'd be walking, and it would give. i would trip on NOTHING. and the pain was excruciating.
the point of this long-winded bit is: breaststroke aggravated a preexisting condition that was unbeknownst to me at the time. if i'd kept swimming, if i'd accepted the invitation to swim for that other team, i could've made things so much worse for myself. and even though i often wish i had taken the coach up on his offer... i think probably my having quit for the wrong reasons maybe was one of the best decisions i'd made.
I always find it interesting how things like what you've described have a way of working out in the end. Even though you have had your doubts about quitting and not taking the coach up on his offer, for health reasons, it sounds like your decision was the best one (even if you didn't know it at the time).
DeletePS Thanks for sharing your story!
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