Friday, June 2, 2017

Tuesday Topics (Not on Tuesday) - One Thing That Scares You

A few weeks ago, one of my friends showed me some of his vacation pictures.  In one of the shots, a friend of his, a very large lady, was pictured in the tropical locale.  As soon as I saw it, a wave of anxiety passed through me and for an instant, I didn't see her face on the body; instead, I saw mine.  I'm not easily scared by things, but I must admit, that is one thing that truly scares me - becoming enormously obese.

Before I go anything further, I feel the need to go on record about some things.  First, I'm not hating on anyone who is obese because I am, according to every height/weight chart and BMI calculator, an obese person myself (even after losing nearly 40 pounds).  Second, this is not a post advocating for weight loss or trying to persuade anyone to adopt a healthier lifestyle.  This post is simply my honest response to the writing prompt - One Thing That Scares You.

If you are a regular reader, you know that I've been on a weight loss quest since last summer.  On August 1, 2017, I went to my OBGYN for my annual exam.  On that day, I weighed in at the heaviest I've ever been, at nearly 250 pounds.

When I tell people how much I weighed when I started, most are in disbelief, saying that there's no way I weighed that much because I didn't look that  heavy.  My first reaction/thought usually is, "Exactly what should 250 pounds look like anyway?" That's the funny thing about weight, we all carry it differently. What 250 pounds looks like on one body is not what it will look like on another.  I've always been blessed with a solid, muscular frame that, apparently, helps masks my weight to some degree.  But, anyway, I digress.

At nearly 250 pounds, my all-time heaviest, I was starting to feel the inconveniences of my weight.  I could still zip on some ziplines that had higher weight limits; I could still whitewater raft, but it took a lot of exertion; I could still sit in an airline seat without having to use a seat belt extender, but just barely; and I could still swim and snorkel, although it didn't take me long to get out of breath.

On that August day, when I saw my weight on my treatment plan after having just been diagnosed with perimenopause, I knew that I had reached my limit.  I knew if I got any heavier that I would no longer be able to do most of the things I loved to do.  I also knew that with menopause right around the corner, that the weight would only be harder to lose with each passing year.  That was my wake up call.

Even though I desire to be thinner, I don't aspire to be tiny.  I want to keep some meat on my bones because I enjoy being muscular and strong.  To be perfectly honest, having always been a bigger gal, I'm not sure what life would be like as a small woman.  But, let's be honest, I don't think my body structure would ever allow it.  I'm not meant to be small, I just want to be smaller.  

Over the course of my 40-some years, I have lost and gained hundreds of pounds.  I've ridden the weight loss rollercoaster since I was in junior high.  Every time I've lost weight, I've eventually gained it all back and when I say all I mean every. single. pound. and then some.  If I don't break this cycle, there could come a day when I find myself as big as the lady in my friend's vacation photo and, frankly, that scares me to death.  It scares me not because I'm vain, but because I know how significantly it would interfere with me living my life on my terms.  Being that large would prevent me from doing so many of the things that I love to do, things that make life exciting, fun, and worthwhile.

I just hope that whenever I reach my goal weight, that the lessons I've learned along the way, that the lifestyle changes I've made will stick this time.  They have to.


What's something that scares you?  Feel free to share below.  As always, thanks for stopping by!

Linking up with Jen @ Quirky Pickings



  1. this could not have been an easy post for you to write, ericka, but i'm so glad you were brave enough to do so.

    i am not pleased with my current weight, either, and how it hinders my abilities, and while my weight loss struggle is different from yours (i've a thin, brittle frame, so carrying excess pounds is a really bad thing, and at present, i weigh about forty pounds more than i should), the forces behind it are the same: i do not like the way i look; i must make lifestyle changes and stick to them (it's easy to make the changes; it's a bitch to adhere to them--i start losing weight and think i can revert to my old ways... DUH). anyway. i love who i am as a person; i don't love the skin i'm in. there are some who would say that's not loving who i am. something tells me you can understand what i'm saying though.

    i wish you luck on achieving the goals you set for yourself with regard to avoiding this fear. and thanks again for writing.

    1. Thank you. Yes, it was a hard post to write. When it comes to fears, often it's easier to just stick your head in the sand than to face it head on. i totally agree with you, it's easy to make the changes, it's not so easy to adhere to them day after day, month after month. I fell off the way, per say, back in May and let me tell ya, it's been a bitch getting back on. Luckily the damage was minimal (+1.5 pounds), but it's scary to think how easy it was to throw everything positive I had done over the past 9 months out the window and go back to old habits.

      Trust me, I understand exactly what you're saying. You can love yourself, the person you are, and not necessarily be comfortably in the skin you're in. I've spent A LOT of time in that place during my life.

      Thank you, Jenn, and best of luck to you as well.

  2. I can understand the fear I have been on a weight loss roller-coaster since the 6th grade and I am 50 now it keeps getting harder and harder to keep off the weight I am proud of you for speaking your fear and know you will make your goal and maintain it because you are a strong woman

  3. Hey Erika, it's funny how the grass is always greener, isn't it. My fear is getting too thin! Yup, it happens. I struggled with an eating disorder for some 20+ years until I reached out and got help, and did a lot of the work to get better. The problem is, my appetite is the first thing to go when things get hard, when I am scared, fearful, worried... Many eat under these circumstances, I am the opposite. Other fears, terrorism. The world is scaring me daily. I need to practice more mindfulness to stay present and not inside my head. Thanks for your bravery! #mg

    1. Thank you and thank you for sharing your fear. Best wishes.

  4. Honestly this is something that scares me too. It terrifies me. I am happy being not skinny, but for health reasons it scares me so much. I recently had a diabetes check and was shocked that it was ok, as I know it is coming. Not only is it in my family but I had diabetes when I was pregnant with all 3 babies and I was only 27 when I had Aspen. I am scared that I will be so unhealthy and I do get upset that I feel so unfit. Take care of yourself and keep working at being healthy, we do have to take care of ourselves. #mg


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